Why Our Voice Matters

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice. Proverbs 31:8-9

God's voice is referred to in the 29th Psalm as powerful, majestic, with an ability to echo above the sea and to split cedar. His voice holds tremendous power, power that He tempers and uses for good and not evil. In Genesis, it talks about us being created as His image bearers, created in His image. As image bearers of a God who uses his voice to speak and create, He also gave us a voice to speak and create. We can’t speak things into existence from nothing, like He did, however our voice can help with creating our worldview and who we are as a an individual. Proverbs 23:7, says “ as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” Our thoughts influence the words we speak and how we see ourselves and others, so our thoughts can be powerful toward life or death. In Diane Langberg's book, "Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse" she says this about our voice: (quote)" Voice is that which articulates personhood. It is the exact representation of the person. It is the person speaking himself or herself in the world. Voice explains the person to others in terms that can be understood. Voice is an extension of our self." (End quote)

OUR VOICE HOLDS PURPOSE

She goes on further to explain in a section of her book how understanding the value and purpose of our voice, can help to understand what it means when we suffer the loss of our voice, where our voice may be silenced in some way. Trauma from sexual abuse certainly silences our voice, because it can be extremely difficult to voice. Other trauma can also silence our voice, depending on the level of damage, and for the amount of time it may be left unattended and uncared for. Our voice is one of the things that God redeems and restores and is an essential part of healing, from any trauma. Speaking and using our voice helps us bring darkness into the light. In abuse, there is a level of evil perpetrated against individuals that seeks to steal, kill and destroy their persons. Evil will always seek to stay hidden in order to gain traction and strength but when evil is exposed and brought into the light it will have a hard time continuing to grow and hold us captive with its power. Whatever is brought to the light can be SEEN and change can be the result, but whatever remains in the dark won't change, but will continue to grow and cause harm. When there has been extensive damage from abuse, it requires tremendous courage to begin voicing the terrible and tragic ways evil has harmed, violated and damaged ones person. Doing this with safe relationships is a priority. It can be done with a trusted therapist or other trusted safe individuals, but safety and an understanding of trauma and the extensive damage it can cause are both important things to consider and take into account when seeking to share specific details of such broken places, with anyone.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE

As a child I dealt with sexual abuse and then as a young teen, this childhood trauma started surfacing in the way of what’s called trauma stressors that would affect my behavior and emotions. I started having depression, flashbacks, and intense panic attacks, which caused extreme levels of anxiety that made every day feel like a chore to get through. During my teen years, I didn’t have the capacity, support, understanding or strength to use my voice to speak to the things that I experienced as a child, and panic attacks and deep depression put a serious damper on my ability to function effectively in my daily responsibilities. I was being re-traumatized and it often felt like I was reliving my childhood trauma during those years. When I did try to express what happened to me I was not believed, and was often told that the panic attacks and depression were all things in my head and ways I was drawing attention to myself. To say these things was being told that what I was experiencing wasn’t real, which intensified the lie that I must be crazy, because I was having so many problems.

Diane Langberg talks briefly in her book mentioned in this article above, how trauma stressors not examined in the context of the trauma experienced can often seem or make it appear as though someone is behaving irrationally and may make it seem like they are crazy, but when examined in the context of the trauma that one experienced, one can see that the person is simply reacting to the unhealed trauma that harmed their person.

During therapy, years later, I was able to start recovering my voice. It was a gradual and slow process, and one I am still growing in. When I reluctantly started speaking of the things that silenced me, I began to slowly be able to examine the damage that I suffered as a child. I needed to process things in bite size increments, but even then I would often become overwhelmed at times.

BEING KNOWN AND LOVED

The grief would sometimes feel all consuming, restricting, and suffocating. To continue to stay silent, would be to remain unknown and continue to feel alienated by the things that happened to me. We all have an inner desire to be known, but not just to be known but to be known AND loved. To remain unknown in those deepest places of pain is to remain unloved there. Those deeply broken and damaged places of our person are the places that need love and truth the most. In order for there to be any healing and redemption, our voice is one thing we must recover so we can communicate and allow ourselves to become known. Today, I am known and loved well and know and love some beautiful people in my life who have walked with me. In the 51st Psalm, David expressed how, "God desires truth in our inner most being, and in the hidden parts of our hearts, we can grow to know wisdom.” God is also a God of redemption. Redemption is defined in part by the 1828 Websters as, "deliverance from bondage, distress, or from any liability to any evil or forfeiture." Abuse robs and steals from an individual persons dignity, worth, power and voice. It has also brought me great comfort to know that Christ is well acquainted with grief, sorrow, and suffering, and I was never alone even though it felt that way, before I knew Him personally.

No matter how good we may become at tucking things away or repressing things that happen to us, it doesn’t make them magically disappear. I had tucked that trauma away as a child, and then as a teen, hoping it would all just vanish if I didn’t think about it, but it resurfaced until I became willing to face it. I began to make a connection in my early adult years that not facing it will continue to keep me in a state of unawareness, that would continue to leave me vulnerable to being re-traumatized. Awareness is a key to seeing, and once you see, you also learn how use your voice to rebuild your person and establish boundaries in ways that protect you from the things that used to overpower you and hold you captive. Recovering my voice gave me an ability not only to articulate and find words to speak of the harm that seemed unspeakable, but helped me begin to speak to those things that had held so much power over me. To speak truth to the lies, to grieve and lament the harm that was done, to cry out and express the anguish are all necessary parts of being able to heal from the damage trauma causes. Learning to hear, articulate and distinguish God’s voice has been life giving and such a comfort during some of the most excruciating and difficult parts of my healing journey. He became the ONE that led me through the valleys of the shadow of death and would sit with me, and has seen me through these valleys by encouraging me with His steadfastness and faithfulness. The Psalms have also been a great source of comfort.

FIRST TIME I ENCOUNTERED GOD'S VOICE

God used His voice to speak to me once, when I was about to commit suicide and end my life, in my teen years. The level of torment and anguish during those years was unbearable and it seemed like it was going to last forever. I decided one day I couldn’t handle anymore and irrationally decided I was going to drive into an oncoming car. I was still Amish and practicing Rumspringa (I’ll write a blog about this sometime)when I got my drivers license, and borrowed someone's car to drive to work one day. That day was the only day I ever drove to work by myself. During that time, Amish girls getting their license and owning a car was still largely frowned upon, but I think as it has become more widespread it has become more acceptable in the more liberal Amish communities.

I had an intense panic attack at work that day, and I told my boss I wasn’t feeling well and drove home. I remember very little of that drive home. I do remember the tormenting thoughts to kill myself and how the intensity of those thoughts plagued my mind and we're constantly running through my mind, and I didn't trust myself to be alone. When I got home, no one was at home, so I stumbled around trying to figure out what I should do. Several days before, I visited my doctor, and she was the only person that came to mind to call, so I ran out to our chicken coop where there was a phone and called the doctor and explained my situation to her. She asked me if I had a car and felt comfortable driving myself to the office. It was only several miles from my house so I thought I could probably manage.

It was on my way to the office that the idea to speed up and turn in front of another car, in an attempt to kill myself, and end it all, began to heavily influence me, and I was seriously planning to do it. I start preparing my steering wheel to turn directly into an oncoming car, when God spoke. I will never forget it. I can still remember to this day, exactly where I was on that road. When He spoke, it completely shocked me back to reality and for the rest of the way to the office the tormenting thoughts were silenced and I drove the rest of the way in a state of sobriety. God said, “Wait, if you hold on, I’ll give you life and give it to you more abundantly.” That was it. God's voice silenced all those other voices in my head, in an instant. I wish I could say that they never returned but that wasn’t the case. To this day, I am no longer plagued by them, but they will try and return every now and then. I use my voice to speak the truth and remind myself of how far I have come, and they leave. The experience of hearing His voice for the first time, left a lasting impression and that whole experience seemed to mark me in a way that caused me to walk more soberly after that. I responded in response to His voice but I didn’t know at the time it was Him speaking to me. It was sobering to realize how close I came to taking my own life and possibly the life of someone else that day. The absurdity of it all shook me, even though I still didn’t have the level of awareness I do today. I didn’t even know God quoted scripture to me that day, until many months later when I began reading the Bible, myself.

It is a growing desire of mine, to be a safe place for others, to help others recover their own voices in order to understand, to bring awareness and speak truth to the things that have damaged their person and holds power over them. I want others to know that redemption is still possible with God. I struggled with bitter and angry thoughts, and I have sat with those thoughts, and felt them and believe them to be reasonable responses. However, I choose not to let those continue to build and make their home in me. Instead I have focused and invested my energy in healing my own person, in order to become like someone I wished I would have had that could have supported that young child and troubled teen. To learn how to sit with the broken, wounded and oppressed. It's what Jesus did, and what He desires we do for others. Selah.