The Goodness of the Lord Wednesday, June 29, 20223:20 AM

“When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me. Teach me Your way, O Lord, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence. I WOULD HAVE LOST HEART UNLESS I HAD BELIEVED THAT I WOULD SEE THE GOODNESS OF THE  LORD IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!”

                                                              Psalms 27:10-14

During a season when I had lost everything, God revealed His goodness to me in a very gentle way, allowing me to know and experience how deeply He cared for me. His steadfast pursuit of me during those formative years of coming to know Him, baffled me in one sense and in another sense left me in a state of awe and wonder of Him and who He was. 

  I had just transitioned and left the Amish Church and way of life. It was a time of intense loss, losing many relationships, including family. I had just rented a small, one bedroom apartment by myself. It was the first time I lived by myself. Right before that, I lived with a dear, sweet, Amish lady who took me in after I left my parents home. I left my parents home because of the tension that existed between us and my decision to leave. It was very difficult for them.

 This dear lady provided a safe place for me while I contemplated and figured out what my next steps in leaving would look like. She told me that she didn't care what I decided to do, that I could stay with her as long as I needed. Having that safe space allowed me to freely process the intense scrutiny and pressure that was coming from the community, to stay Amish. Having that safe space helped me find the courage and stamina that I needed to leave. She risked putting herself under that same scrutiny because she allowed me to live with her, but she chose to prefer me and protect me and my vulnerability over what people would think about her. I have always lived with intense gratitude for the sacrifices she made on my behalf. I have many beautiful memories of my time with her. We became great friends and stayed in contact after I moved away. I was so happy I got to see her one final time to say good-bye several months before she passed away from a heart attack, several years ago.

After I moved into my one bedroom apartment, on one particular day, I had decided to run to the store to pick up some things. As I entered the store, I recall seeing an entire family intermingling and laughing together. I was so triggered by that scene that I couldn't stand to stay in the store because I was starting to cry and I knew it wasn't going to be something I could hide, but I felt these sobs coming from deep within.

  I had no contact with any of my family at the time. I knew the cost of leaving would be great, but there is nothing that can prepare you for how to grieve such deep losses that come when you lose everything like this. Once I left, I was shunned, cast aside and discarded as though I was disposable.  By the time I made it back to my apartment, I was weeping uncontrollably. I remember letting myself into my apartment and simply falling apart in a heap on the floor.

While on the floor, my grief and brokenness turned into anger at God. I remember shaking my fists up at Him. I wasn't cursing, just releasing these angry cries of anguish. It was when I started shaking my fist at Him, that His presence filled my entire apartment, and I fell into another emotional mess on the floor, as the anguish turned into more loud and pronounced wails. I had such a strong awareness that He was there with me in my anguish, and that I wasn’t alone. His presence felt like an embrace to me in that moment and left such a lasting impression on me. That day, I learned the value and importance of facing and embracing grief and pain, and what it was like to honestly pour it out upon Him, and the exchange that took place.

   His presence stayed with me in my grief and lament until I was done. While He experienced the brunt of my unmerited anger toward Him, He chose to respond with compassion, mercy and comfort. While the grief from all the loss, felt so debilitating at times, He helped me bear it, somehow. I remember getting up off that carpet with an assurance that I was deeply loved and treasured. I also felt this tremendous assurance and confidence that I was going to make it, even though I had been told by others that I never would make it outside and apart from the culture and community. 

 When no one else was there, He was. When I felt completely lost, alone and undone, He found me, comforted me, and bound up my wounds. When I lost all sense of belonging anywhere, I found a sense of belonging, in Him.  While I lost so many things through that transition, over the years, I have gained so much more than I ever lost. I understand what Jesus meant when He said, "whoever loses His life for His sake, will find it. "  I left the Amish in pursuit of discovering more about who I really was created to become, experience the life I had been denied to live, and figure out more about who this God was, whose steadfast pursuit of me both captivated and mystified me at the same time. His goodness gave me the hope and strength I needed to keep carrying on, in the midst of tremendous loss.