What is Love Bombing?

The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, But his heart was hostile; His words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords. Cast your burden on the Lord(release it) and He will sustain and uphold you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken (slip, fall, fail)

Psalm 55: 21-22

Please join me as I look at this term, "love bombing," what it means, and how you might have been affected by this practice. Why is it important to be aware of this practice? Let's talk about the dangers of it and why it can be beneficial to learn more about it.

Many of you may not have ever heard about this term, which is why I would like to help familiarize you with what this term means and what it might look like in practice. It's possible to have experienced this before and not know what you were experiencing. It can be hard to detect, and identify, sometimes. Awareness and basic understanding of it can help with that. It can be helpful to know when you are on the receiving end of this, and learn how to respond to it. Let's start with looking at a little history about the term.

Where did it origionate?

“According to the Wikipedia, it was first coined by members of the Unification Church of the United States in the 70's and popularized by Psychology Professor Margaret Singer in her 1996 book, "Cults in Our Midst."

Margaret Singer Quote:

In her book, Margaret makes the claim that "love bombing" was a tool used for

recruitment into cults. She wrote, {Quote} "Love bombing is a coordinated effort, usually under the direction of leadership, that involves long term members' flooding recruits and newer members with flattery, verbal seduction, affectionate but usually nonsexual touching, and lots of attention to their every remark. Love bombing- or the offer of instant companionship- is a deceptive ploy accounting for many successful recruitment drives." {End Quote}

A Deeper Look

“It can happen when you least expect it and from those you least expect it from.”

Not only is it a practice cults use to recruit their members it is also a practice they will use to maintain the bonds of enslavement, control and blind loyalty to their group. Steven Lambert, in his book called, "Charismatic Control" "Witchcraft in the Neo-Pentecostal Churches " describes it this way: {Quote} The so called, "love" that is spoken of in cult groups is an ushy-gushy, sickly-sweet, surreal, over-done, showy, carnal, humanistic, kind of "sloppy-agape" replete with a superabundance of hugging and cheek-kissing. In bona-fide cults this so-called "love" is so "free" that is, without limitations, that it invariably translates eventually into unrestrained and promiscuous immorality or "free love," which some cults proclaim to be one of the many "benefits" and "privileges'" of their purportedly transcendent brand of "spiritual enlightenment." {End Quote}

He goes on to describe this term (Quote) as a sensual love that is used as a sedative to anesthetize people against the effects of the control mechanisms they are introducing and it works to keep people oblivious to the devices of domination. (End Quote) He claimed (Quote) that this "false love" becomes an effective tool to use to drug indoctrinated members into accepting harsh and overbearing domination and control techniques as beneficial expressions of this anomalistic "love." (End Quote)

It may not be as obvious to detect, because it can be very stealthy and covert in nature. I personally think it can be disastrous to those who may already be wounded and dealing with emotional injuries, because it targets them in their vulnerability and appeals to their need for love. We all have a need to be known and loved. If these outward displays and play on words were motivated with sincerity and no hidden agenda it could meet a genuine need for love and acceptance. Instead ,this "false love" becomes an opportunity to exploit an individual, to gain their confidence and trust and then break them down in order to exploit and gain an advantage over them, or to get them to meet some self ish need in themselves. It's not that it's wrong to be vulnerable, one can be vulnerable and aware, and keep themselves from getting caught up in this, but it is those who are unaware and vulnerable, that unfortunately become more susceptible to being ensnared by it. There is often a hidden motivation to deceive and change another persons actions or behavior in order to get them to meet their own desires and expectations.

Where do you see this practiced?

As already mentioned, it is a widely known practice in cults, but can be practiced in family relationships, marriages, dating relationships and friendships, anyone can practice it. It is an age old tactic many narcissists typically use to gain power and control over someone. It can also be a practice that is used in abusive relationships to groom, in order to gain control, and seduce an individual.

How to spot when your "Love Bombed"

There are several things you can ask yourself that can help in developing awareness. Does this "lavish love" feel like there are strings attached? Is what they are saying making you feel insulated? Are they encouraging or forcing you to miss out on social activities and criticizing you and your ideas, while elevating their desires as a finality, standard or expectation that needs to be followed? Do you feel guilty around them for things you desire that differs from their desires? Are your desires never brought to the table for consideration, but theirs always have a front row seat? In friendships, the love bomber can ghost off till the next time they need something from you. Friends like this rarely bring anything besides their own needs to the table, and only relate on the basis of attempting to get those needs met within the relationship, which is where the love bombing comes in handy for them. They hide behind this facade. The love bombing presents an outward appearance as being loving and kind in order to conceal the hidden reality of their intentions and secret motivations. If you feel used in a relationship you might want to take a deeper look at the relational exchanges that are taking place, to see if you have been, "love bombed."

Dealing with Love Bombing

When you have been "love bombed" you are being seduced to believe and view an individual through the lens of how they present themselves to you as someone who is loving, kind, cares about you, etc. etc.. When the underlying hidden and un dealt with behavior patterns of this individual begin to show through, it can be difficult to process the reality of their toxic attitudes and behaviors.

The closer you have grown and bonded to this individual the harder it may be, because there is a cognitive dissonance that can develop in our minds. Our minds can have trouble seeing the reality of the individuals toxic behaviors because our minds have trouble reconciling it with the facade that they presented to you, that you believed was who they were. It can become really confusing. Toxic behavior usually starts being introduced after a person has already gained the trust of another with their facade. It is very similar to the example of a frog being placed in cold water and slowly boiled to death. It may seem easier and less costly to keep believing the facade they presented to you rather than to begin dealing with and seeing the reality. If this person has narcissistic traits it can create a lot of fear anxiety to think about confronting such a person, because narcissistic individuals are known for their ability to project and blame their own toxic behaviors onto the person they are seeking control over. If you have ever experienced this from a loved one, the betrayal can run deep depending on how close to the person you were. This is why authenticity is so valuable. Someone who is authentic will allow you to know where they may still struggle and are imperfect. They won't feel the need to hide who they really are, and manage a false image.

I hope you glean something shared here that will help you develop more awareness and help you see why "love bombing" can be dangerous when it is not discerned at the onset and we are seduced and deceived by it. I was deceived by this several times in my own life, and feeling fooled by another is not fun. This often creates feelings of anger that need to be faced and worked through in order to avoid becoming bitter yourself. It is not fun to be deceived and betrayed by someone else, that you once trusted and loved. We are to guard and manage our own hearts and minds in order to deal with any garbage that tries to come in. Out of our hearts flow the issues pertaining to life and death. To be deceived to that extent can feel like a major death blow, but healing and recovery is not impossible when you can separate from the deception, (this can mean separating from the person or groups that deceived you) in order to process what occurred, and grieving the losses after honestly articulating the reality of the truth. Selah.