A Closer Look at Pride, Self Denial and Individuality

The idea that is strongly pushed in many conservative religious communities is the idea that in order to avoid the glorification and elevation of the individual as a person, the individuality of a person needs to be denied in order to avoid conforming to the world, and become unified to their people group. In other words, you can’t be trusted with any sense of your own individuality because it automatically will lead you into pride. I think the real reason this idea might be pushed is that when people truly discover who they are they might choose not to identify with their people group and their beliefs. I think individuality often gets confused with individualism. Websters, defines individualism as the habit or principle of being independent and self- reliant. Even though there is an appearance of unity in these groups, they are often considered self-reliant and self sufficient in how they choose to deal with difficult issues within their communities. The community I was in, always taught not to go to outsiders about anything.

Your individuality is considered a stumbling block to the unity of the group, and unity meant everyone looked the same, dressed the same, thought the same, and behaved the same. This idea has been illustrated as a patch of cloth that grows more beautiful in a large quilt or a grain of wheat becoming more significant as it loses its identity in a loaf of bread. These illustrations make it appear that to deny and lose your individual identity will bring significance and beauty. Yet, those are empty promises, and not even close to the fruit that develops when your individuality is denied. Individuality as defined by the 1828 Websters means: a separate or distinct state of existence; a state of oneness. We are made in the image of God, but we all bear a unique individuality. You can find support for ones unique individuality throughout scripture from where He formed us in our mothers womb to the hairs on our heads being numbered.

APPEARANCE OF PRIDE

Let's look at the appearance of pride as it was modeled in the community I was raised in. It was considered prideful to show any affection or allow yourself to feel certain emotions. Emotions were often minimized, suppressed and dismissed. They were rarely given their proper space or place. It was considered prideful to hug someone, to pursue an education past the eighth grade, and to have pictures of yourself. It was considered prideful if you had desires for anything that wasn’t acceptable according to the standards of the community. To have any sense of your own individuality apart from the ideals in the community, or to have an opinion that differed was to be considered prideful. To embrace any of these things listed was to become known and labeled as “ gros feelich,” which is the “Pennsylvania Dutch” term for a big shot, or someone who thinks they are more superior. One way true pride has been defined by Websters, is an unreasonable conceit of one's talent, beauty, wealth, accomplishments, etc. that manifests itself in reserve, distance, rude treatment and contempt of others. To simply embrace your individuality doesn’t automatically make you prideful, pride starts as a disposition in the heart, and doesn’t come essentially from the fact that you have photos of yourself or because you pursue a higher education, or have beauty, but is an attitude that develops in the heart.

THE PRISON OF SHAME AND CONDEMNATION

This hyper focus on pride generated a hyper response in an attempt to avoid it, which created a strong sense of self consciousness about one's appearance. I personally would struggle with shame and condemnation when I couldn't perfectly meet the proposed standards. When I messed up and received this label, the shame and condemnation ran pretty deep when I was rejected for not meeting the criteria.

FRUIT OF FALSE SELF DENIAL

If you questioned anything it was often weaponized against you, which helped with the conditioning of your behavior, where you felt responsible to do what was expected of you by others and fashion all you're decisions around that. The fruit of this could also be described as living in a hyper state of fear, always worried about doing something wrong and being condemned by others. This dynamic conditions you to feel obligated to allow others to control you and when you didn't you're gaslit with guilt, accusations of selfishness and shame. Yet, giving your sense of agency to others in this way, often leaves people vulnerable, unguarded and unprotected from the mistreatment and abuse of others. This was a widely normalized way of relating and was considered in the culture as a form of self-denial. This self-denial was not to have any particular boundaries that protected your agency or desires that were unique to your individuality. When you deny your individuality it produces a false sense of self, and does not make you feel significant. A false self is defined by Google; as a defensive façade where behaviors are formed through controlled environments vs. being formed through authentic experiences. People should be allowed to maintain their own sense of agency which gives them a level of control over their own choices, desires, actions and their consequences, without the coercion, pressure, and ideals I describe here.

TRUE DENIAL OF SELF

This is NOT what Jesus was referring to when He calls us to lay down our lives and deny ourselves. He calls us to become willing to deny our own possessions or status in order to grow in holiness and our commitment to Him. We pick up our own cross, in order to grow in representing His character, and become like Him. He never takes away our free will of choice, but influences and empowers us to make choices that are life giving. He never calls us to deny our individuality in order to follow a people group, or deny it for His sake. He was the one that gifted it to us in the first place. We are called to deny our carnal nature that keeps leading us to sin and bondage, so that we can walk in the freedom He gives. It’s a freedom to live fully in the life He gives in order to help us become all He has created us to become, to fulfill His will and purpose He has for us. If I could say it another way, it's allowing His influence of the truth to shape our desires, and to become one with Him. He actually empowers us to walk in our individuality and identity that He has given us. This twisted version of self-denial, does not empower others; but it's about gaining power and control over others which oppresses and imprisons people. Jesus doesn't imprison people, He came to set the captives free and destroy the works of the devil and evil.

FALSE HUMILITY

Let's take a look at how this false self denial ties in with false humility. False humility fosters mindsets that abdicate all responsibility for the issues in our own hearts, in order to take on the responsibility and the expectations of others. It gives the appearance of denying ones own interests in favor of the interests of others. This gives the impression of being self less, yet when you take a closer look, it is more about denying your individuality and coming under their control. These people in communities that practice this, often relate to God, as though He is going to control them like a robot. They believe denying their individuality and having zero desires of their own, puts them in the center of God's will. God isn't looking for robots to control, He is desiring people who walk with Him; who learn how to fulfill His will and simultaneously fulfill their purpose He designed them for. The level of pressure and coercion that communities use to condition and indoctrinate people in this way, is detrimental to the well being of individuals. Maintaining our own individuality is important to the health and growth of our personal identity. When we give our agency to others it also compromises God's ability to influence our hearts, and speak directly to us, because we ignore our hearts and what is going in our hearts in order to conform to this false idea of self denial. It was considered a horrible thing in my community when someone spoke of hearing God speak to them directly, and they were, of course, considered to be prideful, in making such claims. Yet, when I discovered and started praying and speaking to God from my own heart, I began giving Him permission to influence my heart. Instead of rigidly following the written prayers that I was taught, that didn't reflect the things going on in my heart, I became real with God and learned how to hear Him speak to my spirit, through His Holy Spirit. There is an inner knowing and confidence that develops the more you grow in rightly distinguishing His voice. It's often not an audible voice but an inner knowing, or thoughts that come to you, where you can tell the thoughts don't directly originate from you. The devil speaks to us in the same way, so we have to be able to grow in distinguishing the source of our own thoughts. It's clear in scripture that those who belong to Him, will know and hear his voice, and follow Him. I can't imagine where I would be today, had I not heard his voice that comforted me through some dark seasons and led me out of so much darkness.

False humility deflects any praise that we truly deserve. It can also be found in self- deprecating humor. It fishes for compliments in order to deflect them to present themselves as being humble. In an article on Psychology Today, titled, " False Humility" by Aqualus M Gordon Ph.D. he quotes a guy named Radhanath Swami who was asked about the difference between an inferiority complex and humility. Swami says, (Quote) " Inferiority is when the false ego is frustrated, whereas, humility is when the false ego is rejected. He goes on to explain that inferiority is about appearances. In a society that glamorizes humility, the enactment of humility becomes more important than the true embodiment of it. (End Quote) There is this enactment of humility among religious, conservative groups that gives one the impression of a humble people, but in many cases it has worked as a façade where evil, abuse and all kinds of sinful behavior hide behind. The indoctrination of this false self denial and false humility runs deep, keeping many bound in a web of shame, false identity and condemnation. It is more deceptive because it disguises itself as being righteous and humble yet, when you take a closer look at the fruit, it's false humility disguised as humility.

TRUE HUMILITY

To truly be humble is not to be inferior or superior but to see yourself as you really are, and to see oneself as God sees you, with the idea that one knows Him and can accurately glean the truth from His perspective. I have also heard it said and I can't remember where I heard it, but it stuck; it's that humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. To walk free from the prison of this indoctrination is to be released from the fear, shame and guilt that was projected from this notion that embracing your unique individuality and desires will automatically lead you to become full of pride. Learning how to create space for your emotions where they are no longer minimized and dismissed but freely articulated, given voice to, and governed in a healthy way, will also bring liberty and healing.

The formation of a false self identity can feel like an intense crisis for a time, with a lot of feelings of uncertainty, when you begin to dismantle from this indoctrination. The indoctrination can damage a persons ability to learn how to make good and informed decisions on their own without guilt, shame and condemnation. Sometimes, it was hard for me to know what I really liked or disliked at first. When the ability to explore things unique to your individuality had been so shut down, it takes time to try on new things to figure out whether this or that is akin to your liking or not. The freedom to explore, and discover your unique individuality without all the pressure helps you grow and become more confident in who you were designed by God to become. I hope this article shines light on the value and importance of setting boundaries that protect your own agency and individuality, and puts pride in perspective as an issue that comes out of the heart, and is not automatic, based on differing opinions, and achievements. I invite you to share your comments about this with me, if you have any. If you have any questions, always feel to contact me through my website, under the contact button or on the spaces app. Selah. Peace be with you.